As a child, I was never really frightened of the usual scary supernatural things that children fear. I wasn’t alarmed by the thought of monsters in the cupboard, or creatures under the bed, or witches or ghosts. The only thing that really used to scare me was the creepy-crawly pool cleaner in my granddad’s pool, and of course it didn’t scare me enough to actually stop me swimming. In hindsight, I probably should have been more frightened of the fact that my granddad was an alcoholic and I shared genetic material with him. Now, as an adult, I am scared of a few more things. These vary from the fear of antibiotic resistant superbugs, all the way to fear of my tiny superfund account. Also some other things without the word super in them. However, one thing has remained true, and that is that I am still not scared of monsters (except for the movie Monster-in-Law), or witches or ghosts. But there is one thing that I have always hated, ever since I was a little girl. And I am scared of it to this very day.
Even typing that word chilled me so deeply to the bone that i don't think i will ever be warm again. But they say that to defeat your fears, you have to face your fears. And I will not live one more moment in fear of these monsters! Here are a few reasons I can’t stand them.
THEY ARE GREEDY SLUTS
Who do bisexuals think they are? How dare they make the decision to be attracted to both men AND women! The rest of us chose to either be attracted to men OR women, because WE aren’t greedy! I suppose you bisexuals would like to have your cake and eat it too? Well I’m sorry, but I just think it is plain wrong. As everyone knows, bisexuals are never ever monogamous, and at every point in their lives they are fucking a man AND a woman at the same time and it is like ‘hey leave some for the rest of us why don’t you, bisexuals!’, some of us can't be out tempting both sexes at the same time because we have new episodes of Storage Wars to watch!
I mean, why do bisexuals have this compulsion? Isn’t your lifestyle exhausting, bisexuals? Why don’t you just try finally committing to your true self, you will get a lot more sleep. And stop asking for ‘representation’ on television. What do you expect, one well-rounded character that is just a normal person who happens to not date based on gender? Lower your goddamn expectations. Also it's a bit scary how bisexual’s wings burst through their backs when the Mars fifth moon moves into Saturn and they fly around above cemeteries dropping the blood of lambs onto gravestones.
THEY ARE COWARDS
Bisexuals are just SCARED of choosing a side. It is so obvious that deep down inside them (not that way you pervert) they truly know that they are straight or gay, but they are just cowards and don’t want to choose.
Take Olympic diver Tom Daley. Don’t you think it is weird that he seemed so COMFORTABLE saying that he still fancies women while dating a MAN? Someone has obviously been taking acting lessons from Dustin Lance Orange is the New Black!! How else could you explain that he seemed content to imply that he is attracted to both sexes? That is just not possible. They are so different! Men like doing things like sports and beer and women like doing things like shopping and wine! How the fuck could you ever be attracted to both of those, like some sort of hybrid human who could enjoy beer AND wine? Or sports AND shopping? I am sorry, but you are not fooling me. Also it is a bit cowardly how bisexuals love to pick fights with tiny babies, and that’s why that weird room full of babies in the maternity ward is protected with a glass screen to stop the spit and tomatoes that bisexuals try to hurl towards them.
THEY ARE LIARS
A lot of the wider gay community seems to have a problem with people who call themselves bisexual. For a lot of lesbians, it can be because they have had experiences where a woman has broken their heart and then ended up with a man. And they are RIGHT to be angry and confused, because as we all know it is only bisexuals who break people’s hearts. It is ONLY bisexuals who dump you, or end up being someone you don’t think they are, or who eventually find someone else more attractive than you. Also, some women kiss other women without it meaning anything! Sometimes for sexual gratification for others, without getting married! Disgusting. I for one am so glad that everyone but bisexuals has their shit together in relationships, or the world would be a messy place. For some of the wider queer community, they also believe that men who claim to be bisexual aren’t really bisexual at all, that in a few years they will come out as 100% homo. This is probably due to the fact that it can be fucking terrifying to admit that there is this finality, that you are definitely gay. So some people sort of ease into it, by telling themselves they are bisexual, and leaving room to go back on it if it is too scary out in this bullshit world.
So obviously this means that the wider community is RIGHT to doubt other people who then say they are bisexual, no matter how sincere they sound. Who are they to label THEMSELVES, when we are right here to do it for them? How fucking dare they presume to think it is okay to tell US what they are thinking or feeling and expect us to respect their wishes! LOL! It is very important that everyone is labeled at all times, of course. Otherwise chaos would reign. But I’m sorry, I will decide which labels are fair and true, BISEXUALS. I know you are just lying to yourself and me, and I will not stand for it. Speaking of not standing for something, it is also terrible how 100% of Internet scams are run by bisexuals. Why isn’t the government doing more to stop these criminal bisexual monsters!!!
Phew. Okay, I do actually feel better now that I have gotten that out. I think we can all agree that bisexuals are terrible people who are lying to us, lying to themselves, tricking us, cheating on us, or generally ruining society by being attracted to men and women. Definitely they are in the best and most enviable position because people from the heterosexual community shit on them, and people from the queer community shit on them. ‘Lucky bisexuals’, gosh I must say that a million times a day. However, in all honesty we should actually thank bisexuals for bringing us all together as one group. It doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight or questioning or asexual or allsexual or any type of anything ever, you can be made to look like an awful garbage person judgmental cretin by the way you talk about them.
P.S Please everyone be what something-sexual you want, as long as you are also a Brocklesexual